Sunday, March 13, 2011

Here is one reason why we had to let him go

We have not disrupted our adoption (or actually dissolved is the more accurate term I hear) of our son. However, he has not lived in our home since 9-2-09. That was the morning he came in and very calmly and dispassionately told me,"I'm having thoughts that I need to hit you." Which he did. Just on the arm this time, definitely not trying to inflict real damage but more a scream for help. So I took him down to the ground and got him in a restraint and yelled for my husband to call the sheriff. I could no longer keep my family, including my son, safe from his escalating level of violence.
Going to Orlando meant being able to share my story and not see judgment...not see horror in the eyes of others.....not feel like I needed to touch myself to make sure I had not suddenly sprouted a second head. That is what I took back to my sucky situation at school when people who cared asked how it went I would say,"You know, I was able to look other mothers in the eye and say that my son had kicked me in the face and tried to strangle me with the seatbelt all while my husband was driving 70 down an unfamiliar upstate New York highway because of a failed attempt at respite and they weren't shocked! They didn't look at me like I was just making it up because surely this charming twelve year old wasn't capable of doing that. THEY.GOT.IT!"
To get to the title of the post, our sweet daughter Hannah, adopted at birth via domestic, open adoption. She was having major anxiety issues, stress breathing and even heading down the road of building her own explosive anger. I knew we had hit the edge when I saw our son laughing maniacally and jumping off of the deck with our daughter chasing him with a broom raised over her head. For the other moms at the conference, they get it. He is what I call a shit-flicker. The behavioral manifestation of Chinese water torture, get on your last nerve and dance a jig because it makes him feel powerful. We had come to the point where she would end up with legal troubles if it kept on. She would hurt him or get hurt. His behavior had imploded our formerly fairly happy family.
Today, he sits in a state hospital for the manifestly dangerous. I can no longer count on both hands the number of times he's assaulted staff, mainly female as we represent the orphanage "caregivers" from the orphanage in Sumy, Ukraine. This will be his eighth placement in the last three years including stints in juvenile detention for assaulting his teachers, five state hospital placements (we have no mental health insurance coverage) and two residential treatment facilities (the last one was for just about twenty four hours until he punched me in the face twice at a court-ordered psyche eval). I speak to him everyday. He's doing better lately, no restraints, mechanical or manual for about a month. I can no longer sit next to him at visitation because he punched me in the face in June. I dreamt last night that I held him in my arms and went,"See, we can do this!" It felt wonderful. I will see him on Friday and I can't wait. He's my son.


  1. UGH. The last sentences got me. *sob* To be able to hold that child and whisper loving words of encouragement. My heart breaks for you because I am in the same boat and some days I look in the mirror and wonder....what if.

    You are an amazingly aminated person and I loved meeting you. Stay strong and don't stop dreaming. Sometimes that is all that holds me together.

  2. i love my BeeMommy. the end.

  3. hope Friday goes well. It was so great to finally meet you in person.

  4. i love you. you know that. and of course, you know I will ALWAYS get it because I'm living it too. and yes. WG and AB are reason enough.

    it's ok. we did everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. there isn't a stone we didn't turn over. it comes to a point where it is the child's choice to surrender or not. ours, lamentably have not.


    i have a post about this brewing. when i get it all together, it's going on the blog. i'm anticipating to create the same malestrom as Layers of Loss because it is yet one more story about our lives that isn't ever said.

  5. You are strong and amazing and beautiful. *hugs*

  6. It is all just heartbreaking. For all of us. It's not fair. It's not right and you reach the end. I truly believe there is a time to let go of a child living in your home for the safety of others. I will always love my oldest but she's a teenager, estranged from us and no longer my responsibility. Thank God.

  7. I'm anxious for your visit this weekend to go well! :)

  8. Glad you commented on my blog because I couldn't remember your new blog address. It was great meeting you, housemate, and I'm always here to listen. Hope the visit went well (or goes well ... what day is it and why can't I seem to get caught up?). Until next time, xoxo

  9. Hope all goes well at the visit.
    I sure miss talking about something and nobody thinks I just made some stuff up.
    miss ya already.