Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Well, well, well......crap!

Heather and Amber, Happy Hugger I

Heather with the child no longer "My mom's new baby."
Quickly known as her little sister.
Two cool girls.

One of my many catch phrases is ,"Well, crap on a cracker!" I don't know where I heard it but I know it does say it all. I feel like the guy I watched way, way back when I was a kid who would twirl plates. Though he was much more successful at balancing anything than I am. Seems I get one kid twirling away the way I'd prayed for, hoped for and another one comes crashing down. Had the first session with Hannah's old therapist (the one it was suggested we all go to when Alex went away two years ago) and that is one pissed off, ragey kind of girl! This makes me so freakin' sad! We have called her our happy hugger 2 as our first born, Amber, who used a wheelchair, could hug the tea-totalin' stuffin' out of you! And for the last two years, we'd seen that happy hugger come back. My husband even commented late last night that we might end up seeing Hannah move in with our older daughter, Heather, at some point just to get away. They are unbelievably close and I am so grateful for that! For a girl who said when Hannah came to us,"This is my mom's new baby," she rapidly changed her tune to,"This is MY little sister." There are sixteen years and eleven months between them.

I started this post on the 15th, today is the 20th. It took a bit to find pics and boy, howdy, seems BOTH of my girls have major anxiety about Alex coming home. Due to an assault years ago, Heather has PTSD (geez, the family that freaks together...) and so she's had a few panic attacks about Hannah's safety. She also has so much anger at Alex for punching and hurting me. Fear for our animals' safety. Resentment that we sought out treatment for him (we tried to get her to go inpatient but she was an adult and refused, she'd blanked a lot out and I guess that's part of it).

Sometimes, I wish I could go live on an island. By myself. With internet, books, beer and chocolate. I'd allow my friends to come visit but the drama would have to be left at the edge of the sand.


  1. Confession. For years, my van was always packed for camping. I carried a tent, air mattress, camping gear and a bag of clothes in my car. I always told myself, "If I really can't take it anymore I will take the baby and go camp." I never ran away to the state park, but it did help me a lot to live ready to go--it got me through some bad days.

  2. I have a hypothetical cave in Utah- and when things get really tough I close my eyes and I am there. The best thing about it is that nobody knows where it is.

  3. Glad to see I've got great company in my escape plan. Perhaps we should all go in together on some land and create our own Utopia.

  4. I really like the island idea. If you ever get a chance, you might want to read FOLLY by Laurie R. King. It's about a totally stressed woman moving to an island. I wanted to jump in that book and never come out.

  5. Okay, you guys have convinced me....I'll bring the beer.